Havelock Scoop

As a terse warning to an amnesiac world, “history repeats itself” is clever. Applied to an individual lifetime, the old axiom is as false as it would be fantastic.

 We live without the benefit of cosmic second chances, do-overs, fresh starts. Each decision we make is frighteningly final; without the ability to rewind time’s relentless spool, we must choose and discern without comparative wisdom. Once we’ve made a choice, we can’t take a mulligan and test alternate outcomes — Robert Frost’s “road less traveled” may take form in the rearview mirror as an eight-lane interstate of regret.
 
That’s the premise of Franco-Czech novelist Milan Kundera’s “The Unbearable Lightness of Being,” a neat bit of philosophical fiction that left its imprint on at least one more addled mind this month. The theme of whimsy’s painful permanence resonates here at the intersection of roads not taken, paths unmapped and forbidden freeways where the fortunate cruise contentedly.

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The Sunshine State is already ridiculed for its inability to count ballots. Now, Florida could develop a reputation for roadway censorship.

State lawmakers are considering a ban on replica bull testicles on car and truck trailer hitches, according to this AP story. Some lawmakers say the accessory is obscene, and an amendment to a highway safety bill would allow police to give out $60 tickets for displaying the plastic hitch covers.

Tastelessness shouldn’t be illegal. I hope the Legislature doesn’t have the ba — er, the guts — to pass this asinine amendment.

West Craven High will be the first county high school to make its students wear uniforms if the school board approves the request as expected Thursday evening.

A request from the school administration to adopt a uniform policy is included on the Craven County Board of Education’s consent agenda, Chairman Carr Ipock said today. Consent agenda items are usually approved in a single vote with little discussion.

I’ve always opposed student uniforms in public schools because they stifle expression and creativity. It was heartening, however, to see that this compulsory conformity was confined to elementary and middle schools. Now, the same rules that apply to children will be foisted on young adults with driver’s licenses and jobs.

But, to quote comic and social commentator George Carlin, “it’s not a new idea.”

“I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s,” Carlin said in his act. “But it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.”

UPDATE (April 21, 10:05 a.m.) — The school board postponed its vote on the West Craven uniform policy Thursday, according to the Sun Journal’s coverage. Uniforms have not (yet?) been adopted for the 2008-09 school year.

I always enjoy reading Man on a Bike, an online column written by Sun Journal editorial assistant Justin Schoenberger. It provides some perspective for those of us who’ve been frustrated by the prospect of sharing the road with cyclists.

The column asserts — correctly — that bikes have the same rights as cars, but drivers usually throw their four-wheeled weight around, hogging the road and failing to yield the right of way. However, the latest installment describing a close call between the writer and a motorist gives me pause.

Justin writes that a woman driving an Acura made a left turn without yielding to his right turn, but his narrative indicates he wasn’t giving up an inch: “…when I kept going as if she hadn’t just failed to pay tribute to my existence on the road, she proceeded to give me a dirty look.”

Having the right of way doesn’t magically absolve us of the responsibility to exercise caution. I can’t count the number of times I’ve yielded to someone barreling through an intersection when it’s really my turn to turn. You can shout, scream, stew, fume, honk the horn if you’d like, but challenging someone to a game of tandem-turn chicken is just plain irresponsible.

A small wedge is missing from the grille. It gives my new car the giddy grin of a champion boxer whose front teeth were bashed out.

The faded silver paint is speckled with worn-in gunk that no car wash could remove. The right side sports two chrome hubcaps, but the left-side tires have no ornamentation.

I’m proud of the cracked leather seats and sagging roof. My car may not have a CD player — or more than one working speaker. But, it has character.

I bought the 1989 Buick Park Avenue for $600 cash. My friend had owned the aging sedan for about a year and wanted to sell it so he could buy a car from his father. Three weeks prior, my green Chrysler Concorde had sputtered to an unceremonious stop on the roadside, and my mechanics couldn’t revive the engine.

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The optimal duration for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes, according to a study that will be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine next month. Click here to read the Associated Press story.

The 2005 survey of 1,500 couples concluded that 1 to 2 minutes of lovemaking wasn’t enough, but satisfactory sex takes anywhere between 3 and 13 minutes — not including foreplay — for the average couple.

Readers of Romenesko’s Obscure Store & Reading Room, the blog where I first saw this study, suggest that mainstream advertising is playing to our perceived inadequacies and giving people the misconception that good sex has to last for hours. What sayeth Havelock Scoop readers?

Jokesters and pranksters nationwide have their moment of glory today, and it seems like everyone’s getting in on the act.

Google announced today that it’s teaming up with Virgin to create “Virgle,” a human colony on Mars. Consumer rights blog The Consumerist adopted an anti-customer attitude and redubbed itself The Conglomerist.

Closer to home, the Beaufort Observer in Washington, N.C. is reporting that staunch Republican county commissioner Hood Richardson has defected to the “Dimocrat” Party (note the purposeful misspelling in their story).

At our sister paper, the Kinston Free Press, reporter Jon Dawson and content editor Charlie Kraebel are pushing for each other’s immediate ouster on their blogs.

What’s the best April Fool you’ve seen today? Has anyone successfully pulled your leg?